Finding Real Love

inquire within!

Have a look. Do you perceive two lovers, locked in a sweet embrace? Or is one creature devouring the other?

dutifully creating the next generation of Trigoniulus corallinus

In the jungle, procreation and predation are prevalent themes. In human relationships, we find both love and exploitation. Most intimate partnerships contain an element of each: loving and feeding on one another.

I've never seen a perfectly loving partnership, though some of my friends and family approach that ideal. (Shout-outs to Keith and Jane, Elizabeth and Jim, Ron and Randall, Sylvie and Nique, Mark and Hilary, Sergei and Alina. May you forever be well!)

People in the helping professions (teachers, therapists, doctors, nurses, etc.) often achieve unconditional positive regard for their students, clients, and patients. The beauty of these relationships is their clear intentionality; you are there to assist the client, not to serve yourself.

You set your own issues aside for one class period, one appointment, or one therapeutic hour. And you do that again and again. If you're balanced, then you carefully address your own needs during breaks and at home.

Though they are usually paid for their time, many professionals also do work for free. Teachers often tutor a child who is not in their classes, without expecting payment. Most therapists have a few clients who are completely pro bono, or who pay a tiny fraction of the actual cost. Carpenters spend their Saturday mornings, or even entire weekends, volunteering for Habitat. Giving feels best when no one asks for the gift, and when no one asks for payment in return.

My generous and wonderful father, an orthopedic surgeon, gives medical care and trains doctors in developing countries for no money at all. He'll also pay for his plane fare and donate equipment from his own practice.

When I was a boy, Dad often operated on the Amish for free. Because the Amish prefer reciprocal giving to receiving handouts, my parents have some beautiful quilts and handmade furniture. There was sometimes a giant block of Amish butter in our fridge.

Monks and nuns are the only professionals I know who do absolutely all of their work for zero dollars.¹ Liberated from the need to make a living, they can give freely, without expecting anything in return.

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I was very fortunate in romantic love. I had three beneficial long-term relationships over the course of my adult life. These women were amazing people. They still are.

pretty cute together, but my heart still yearned for Transcendent Peace (Pali: Nibbāna)

The third and final relationship was especially close and intense. Alice (not her real name) and I were absolutely enamored with one another. However, some of my friends and relatives were critical of our rich interdependence.

One close "friend" abruptly stopped all communication, right after he met Alice. I still don't understand his choice; he never bothered to explain it.

Alice understood me, in ways that no other partner had. We had open-hearted conversations about almost everything, including my young adult dreams of living as a monk. When confidence arose in me that I was finished with worldly life, she decided to let me go.

Just before our third anniversary, Alice helped me choose the plane ticket to Thailand. We gave ourselves six more months. Alice made sure that we enjoyed every day leading up to my departure. She trained with me in the gym, so that I would be resilient and healthy for my upcoming adventure.

After our last dinner date together, Alice drove me to SeaTac, shaved my head in an airport bathroom, stayed with me until the last minute, and then kissed me in front of security. I boarded the midnight flight to Bangkok with a happy heart.

I owe Alice a tremendous debt of gratitude. I thank her often, mentally and in writing.

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If it suits you, you can be single. You don't have to yield to all the cultural programming that says your happiness depends on meeting The One. You don't have to indulge your biological urges, even if they scream loudly sometimes.

All humans need love, but it doesn't have to be Romantic Love. Kids and well-practiced monastics seem to get along fine without any romance at all.

Remember when you were nine or ten? Do you remember who you were before the hormones started racing? Before you started noticing bodies, before people began to notice yours? Life was simpler and more joyful. After almost three decades of romantic partnerships, I'm finally revisiting some of the delightful emotions I had as a boy.

One very good way to ensure perfect love, without a tinge of exploitation, is to remain unpaired and celibate. If you don't rely upon a partner for your emotional needs, then you can always share your goodwill, no strings attached.

I saw those millipedes on the path about 24 hours later. They were still entangled. (What human pair has that kind of stamina?) I nudged them very gently with my walking-stick, my "wooden foot" (Thai: ไม้เท้า). They stirred just enough to confirm that they were still alive. I walked on, quite convinced that they were OK and that they would prefer some privacy.

I saw no evidence that the millipedes had taken a break for food or drink, aside from that which they offered one another with their very bodies. Were they killing themselves with love? Were they like Romeo and Juliet, but with much better timing, no Montagues or Capulets to interfere?

They are the perfect couple, locked in an endless embrace. 24 hours must feel like eternity to a millipede!

It works for them, I suppose. After all, some variation of this dance is how every citizen of Kingdom Animalia comes to life.

That said, I wouldn't trade places with the millipedes. Nor do I envy the most harmonious human couple, gifted with all the blessings of love and life. I want to know the peace that lies beyond life and death.

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If you are in a relationship, then I hope you and your partner thrive together. (I hope you also thrive apart, during those inevitable periods of separation!) If you are not in a relationship, then I wish you "the rapture that arises in solitude." (Pali: pīti)

If you are content in your relationship, you still have to inquire within. Relationship gurus, couples counselors, and researchers² all emphasize the importance of being the right partner, as an even greater predictor of success than choosing the right partner. Ask your partner how you can serve them better. Learn to examine your own motivations, so that you can see clearly when you are loving and when you are just feeding.

If you have been frustrated in the past, perhaps you were "looking for love in all the wrong places." External sources are not able to meet your needs, at least not all of the time. Tap into the source of love instead. If you can learn to drink from the deep spring in your own heart, then you will never thirst again.

Religious devotion does not exist on an altar; it lives in the temple of your own heart. Similarly, real love is not external to you, it is generated from within.

Whether you are partnered or single, I want you to experience profound happiness. May you enjoy the satisfaction of real love and of life well-lived.

May you forever be well! 🙏🏼

With Mettā,

Grisha (จี)

¹ - Please don't ever hand money to a monastic. Buddhist monks and nuns (Pali: bhikkhu/bhikkhuni) take vows not to touch the stuff. A monk who asks for donations is not a bhikkhu; he is a panhandler dressed up in robes.

² - John and Julie Gottman at the University of Washington, for example. However, this is a perennial observation that predates modern, Western psychology.